


Elmer Smiles A Lot And Dies A Lot

by InsertImaginativeNameHere



Category: Baccano!, 越佐大橋シリーズ | Etsusa Bridge Series - Narita Ryohgo
Genre: Crossover, Gen, It's very fun I promise, Merry birthmas gift, Oh dear why are you like this Elmer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 03:50:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12975258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsertImaginativeNameHere/pseuds/InsertImaginativeNameHere
Summary: Some happenstances that happen on a certain immortal's trip to Murder Island. Very fun and wholesome, of course.





	Elmer Smiles A Lot And Dies A Lot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chancellorxofxtrash (PhoebeMurdivine)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoebeMurdivine/gifts).



> I am not 100% satisfied with this because it's very...snippety. I really could have gone deeper with it but I just wanted some regular old sillytimes.
> 
> MERRY BORTH GABO I MADE THING DID BEST

The Smile Junkie came to the island the weekend Milo left. He was grinning when he arrived, naturally, and he was grinned when he walked into a firefight and told all involved parties they should smile. He was still grinning when the inevitable happened and his lifeless body was dumped in the water.

“That wasn’t very nice,” he said, to nobody, as he pulled himself back onto land. “I should go and make sure that wasn’t accidental. I don’t want them worrying they accidentally killed somebody. I’m sure when they realise I’m fine…” 

He was still grinning, even though he had to have known he’d been killed intentionally.

“They’ll be able to smile.”

 

-

 

Spring-Heeled Joplin calling Spring-Heeled Joplin.

This is Spring-Heeled Joplin speaking.

A smiling stranger has come to the island. He has no concept of danger and walks into fatal situations blissfully. Ignorant, and blissful. He demands smiles.

Is that all, Spring-Heeled Joplin?

No.

What else?

It is impossible, and yet it is the case. Joplin saw it happen. 

 

He cannot die, Spring-Heeled Joplin. What do you make of that?

-

 

“Heyyyyyyyy Seiichi!” That was enough warning for Kugi to prepare himself; moments later, his boyfriend flopped down on him and kissed his cheek. “You’ll never believe what happened today.”

“Is this another ‘the cast of Double Beretta came and took me out for burgers’ story?”

“Fuck you, that actually happened!” Inui snuggled up on his lap - incredulous, but not enough to get up. “No, this is pretty fucking weird. Some white dude wandered into this fight that was going down and told us all to stop fighting and smile.”

Kugi snorted. “Sounds like your kind of person.”

“Yeah, he seemed fun. Shame some of the other guys there didn’t take too kindly to this and decided to kill him. Otherwise I’d have a new best friend.” 

Absently, Kugi started to play with Inui’s hair, and he heard him crack a smile. “You’re smiling now.”

“I wonder why. Is it because I have an adorable boyfriend who I love to fucking pieces?”

Kugi rolled his eyes. “You’re a total child.”

“I know, right?”

 

-

 

The last thing Jun expected to see was a bedraggled, half-drowned man wander into Mr Take’s, sneezing profusely, but the island liked to toy with your expectations, so there he was. He wasn’t Japanese. Even though he was soaking wet and Mr Take looked like he wanted to kill him for tracking water in, the man was smiling. There was something about that expression that seemed profoundly... _ wrong _ . Jun couldn’t put her finger on what. Whatever it was, it made the hairs on her neck stand on end, and she took Misaki’s hand, squeezing it. 

“Oh man, that could have gone better,” the man said, in very passable Japanese. He caught Jun’s eye. “Look at you two! Are you on a date? If not, I’m sorry for assuming, but if so, you’re a beautiful couple!”

Jun and Misaki exchanged a confused look. “We...we  _ are _ dating,” Jun managed, awkwardly. “Thank you?”

“The two of you are so lucky to have found each other,” the man was saying. “You’re able to be happy around one another and smile for real. That’s the important thing.” 

“Who- who  _ are _ you?” 

“Me?” The man pointed at himself proudly. “I’m Elmer C. Albatross. But you can call me Elmer. If that’s difficult, you can call me El. Like Stranger Things! Did you ever see that? It’s sooooo good! It finished a few years ago, so you can probably make a start on it- wait, do you even get Netflix out here?” Elmer paused for breath. “If you don’t, that’s sad. You’re missing out.”

They were illegally squatting on an artificial island, and he was worried about them having Netflix access. The two girls exchanged a look. What was even going on?

“I think he’s like Gitarin,” Misaki whispered. “You know...weird?”  _ Not all that he seems _ , she clearly meant. Acting weird to distract from something. What did he want, really? What was he doing on the island?

He was ordering ramen now, cheerfully, ignoring the furious looks Mr Take was shooting his way. “Whatever happened to service with a smile? Didn’t you hear, it makes the food taste so much better? It’s actual science!” 

Jun and Misaki inhaled quickly. Mr Take ignored the tactless foreigner. They could relax.

“What- if you...uh, if you don’t mind, I mean-” Misaki squeezed Jun’s hand, her presence reassuring and giving her the courage to speak her mind. “What brought you to the island?”

Elmer’s smile froze where it was, and his eyes narrowed marginally. Only for a fragment of a second, and then the moment passed. “Oh, you know. I heard this was a sad place. I wanted to see how people, even in the worst situations, on an island of trash, I wanted to see if they could still smile despite that. That there’s hope in a place like this. If you can smile even when the world around you is how it is, then anyone can smile!” He stood up suddenly, reaching his arms to the sky. “Anyone!”

He was crazy, Jun concluded. But he  _ was _ entertaining. Despite herself, she smiled. 

And that was, in Elmer’s book, the cherry on the cake of his first day on the island.

 

-

 

“Hey, Carlos, can I ask you something?”

Carlos looked up. “Sure.”

“Have you ever heard of people being dead and then…not?” Sherlock asked cautiously.

All the questions he might have expected, he couldn’t have prepared for that one. Not from Sherlock. Much as he might have wanted to bluff, he’d been caught off guard and he knew that it showed. Shit. 

“What do you know?” Sherlock pressed. 

“What do  _ you _ know? Has something happened with the-” Carlos waved his hands vaguely. “You know, info network?”

“Just heard something. Kind of vague. Someone mentioned watching some foreign guy get murdered and then climb out of the water, completely healed.”

“And…? Do you know anything more?”

“I do,” Sherlock replied. “But I’d like to know what you know first. Full disclosure of information, fair exchange.” He was smirking, like a little shit. Ugh. It shouldn’t have been so attractive. “So what do you know about immortals?”

 

-

 

Moments later, Carlos was calling home. Was anyone still awake at this time? He tried to get through to Firo, but he didn’t pick up. On the second attempt he thought of something foolproof and scrolled down through his contacts to R. If anyone was up, it’d be Ronny. 

The phone barely even rang before he heard that familiar, calm voice. “Hello Carlos. How are you?”

“I’m good, good, listen -”

“Consider me listening.”

“Ronny, this is important. I think there’s an immortal on the island. Is anyone in Japan that you know of? Anyone it might be?”

“Hmm…” Ronny made a show of thinking about it. “I’m not sure. Can you possibly elaborate?” God, Carlos could picture the smirk. Ronny Schiatto was a notorious problem. 

“According to Sherlock’s info, he was telling everyone to put their guns away and smile-”

“Oh  _ no _ .” It was the first time he’d ever heard Ronny sound so...fazed. 

“I think Maiza mentioned something about some Smile Junkie but I don’t remember exactly what, because I wasn’t really listening.”

“Typical. His name is Elmer, by the way. And he’s the reason I wound up taking this form, but no matter.”

“Wait, what?” Carlos shook his head in confusion. “You can’t just say that and back away from it. Is he dangerous? What’s he doing on the island? I know you know, Ronny.”

“...why would I know  _ anything _ about what Elmer of all people is doing?”

“You know things!”

“Yes, but Elmer’s  _ inexplicable _ !” Ronny stressed. “It’s Elmer. I’ve never understood him.”

“Is he dangerous?”

Silence. “Not exactly. He just wants smiles. He’s...harmless enough.”

“...I get the feeling there’s something you aren’t telling me.”

He heard Ronny snort. “No matter,” he said blithely and hung up.

Which clarified  _ nothing _ .

 

-

 

Inui was having a really nice day, then he saw a dead man wandering around cheerfully like nothing had happened. He did a double take, and there he was, the smiling guy he’d seen die just yesterday. As it so happened, he was getting murdered. 

“An’ stay dead, this time!” One of the guys spat. Literally spat on the dead body. Nice to see the old cliches going. 

“But Numata, he didn’t stay dead the last two times,” one of his friends pointed out.

True to form, the non-dying man went and unkilled himself. All the blood got up and climbed back inside his body. He sat up, grinning, and waved. “Okay, so-” he began. The guy called Numata gave a high-pitched scream and shot the man in the head reflexively. Around this point, they noticed Inui watching.

“Oh look, the Mad Dog,” one of the others sneered. “What do you want?” 

“Just curious.” Inui shrugged. “You don’t seem to be doing a very good job of killing him. Like, we’ve established he can’t die, why waste the bullets. I always hate it when people do that in the movies.”

“Exactly!” the grinning man chimed in, and presented the guy who’d shot him with the bullet. “Here you go. Now that mix-up’s cleared up, we can all smile!”

“Man, I’m outta here!” One said, and the rest followed, running as fast as their legs could carry them. 

“You left your bullet!” the dead/not-dead guy called after them. Inui was very, very impressed. Not just because the dramatic movie immortality, but just the whole attitude. It was something. He liked this guy. 

“Hey, gonna sound weird, but do you mind if I shoot you? I’ve always wanted a dramatic reveal where the enemy isn’t really dead and I turn around real arrogant and then out of nowhere you say some cool line, and then I freak the fuck out? I mean, I know you can’t die so that takes some of the surprise out of it, but still, those moments are always so cool!”

“Sure! One condition though.”

“Is it smile-related?”

The Smile Junkie nodded. “Yup! How did you guess?”

“Psychic powers.”

“Oh my god! You’re an esper! I knew I’d fall into Mob Psycho if I came back to Japan! Was hoping to meet a hot fake psychic though~” the guy pouted. “Anyway, go right ahead if you want.”

Inui shot him. He turned away. Moments passed.

“Surprise, bitch,” came the voice from behind him. “Bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.” 

He collapsed into cackles. “Oh my god, dude! What the fuck was that?”

“A cool line? It made you laugh anyway, so that’s all that matters!”

“You’re a living meme, holy shit. What’s your name? They call me Hayato Inui, because that’s my name. What about you?”

So that was how he met Elmer.

 

-

 

“Who’s this?”

Elmer waved. Kugi narrowed his eyebrows.

“It’s cool, it’s cool,” Inui said, placating him. “His name’s Elmer C Albatross and he’s a whatever hundred year old immortal, and he’s going to watch The Romance of the Flying Pussyfoot with us because he was actually there!”

“It’s a classic!” Elmer piped up. “Completely accurate too.”

Kugi just accepted this turn of events. It happened, apparently. Fortunately, it was just his boyfriend bullshitting and there was no way this man was a real immortal. 

...that was a fun conversation.

 

-

 

“Did you know there was an immortal on the island?” Carlos eyed Gitarin dubiously. 

Gitarin shrugged innocently. “I may or may not have extended an invitation to certain parties. Why, have you met him?”

“No.” Carlos wasn’t willing to elaborate on that, even to Gitarin. He wasn’t going to throw Sherlock under the bus. 

“That could be arranged, you know?” Gitarin said, offhand, like it was nothing at all. “I’ll just call him now…”

 

-

 

After Ronny’s reaction, Carlos had expected someone much more ominous. Not Elmer. He and Gitarin were chatting away about Words With Friends, mostly. And dicking around with the guard team. Nothing seemed beyond them. Carlos really couldn’t see what Ronny had been getting at. 

“You’ve known Maiza a long time, then?” he asked, when the pinata funtimes were over. 

“Hm? Maiza, oh yeah. Ages and ages and aaaaaaaaaaages,” Elmer said, lying across three chairs and staring at the ceiling. “He’s a good guy. Once he helped cut open my stomach so I wouldn’t get possessed by water. Anyone who’ll rifle through your insides to find a bottle is definitely a good friend to keep.”

Carlos blinked in confusion. Gitarin just nodded sagely. “Getting possessed by water is always concerning. I wonder what the difference is between that and vampiric subjugation. Hypothetically, who would win between a water-based homunculus and a powerful vampire?”

“Huey would know,” Elmer replied. “Then again, Huey’s probably tried that out on one of his children.”

“Am I the only one thinking this conversation is a fucking trainwreck?”

They ignored him. “What about those demon swords that possess people? If that was thrown in, what effect would that have?”

“Battle royale of possessing people! Everyone duking it out! As long as the result can smile, what does it matter?”

Ethically, it sounded like it mattered a lot, but Carlos didn’t really understand the conversation so he just left them to it. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, anyway. Nobody was getting hurt. 

Smiles all round, right?

 

-

 

The trip to the island had garnered interesting results. He’d been invited to a tea party at a detective’s. Her brother hadn’t been pleased, but her pipe-wielding girlfriend had been delightful. Elmer had tried his best to make her smile. She’d hugged him and declared he was adorable. A good day. 

There had been that guy in white, with the weird chains on him. They’d talked a bit about the island. Whether or not it was possible to smile, even in such hellish circumstances. It had been interesting. Their consensus had been that people would find it within themselves, and find things in one another to smile about, regardless of external conditions. Even if they were objectively a bad person, and had done terrible things, they could still smile on the island. Existing on the island was different to existing anywhere else. Anyone could belong.

Those kids had been difficult. He’d tried to make them smile. They’d shot him. A few times, actually. 

Right now they didn’t think they’d ever smile again. But they didn’t know how feelings came around again, how happiness could invade you even here, and how smiles could come when they were most unbidden. Then again, Elmer didn’t really understand that himself. 

He was certain the Rats would smile again. Certain they weren’t beyond helping.

So many different people on this island. So many components. And even out here, in such a place, nobody was beyond smiles. No matter what they thought about themselves.

And if people could smile in a place like this, there was hope for anyone.

 

-

 

Spring-Heeled Joplin, calling Spring-Heeled Joplin.

The Smile Junkie has left the island. Spring in his step, smile on his face.

He said this place proved a theory of his. Humans can resist any hardship and come out of it still able to smile.

He said this meant one day he might himself smile genuinely. All of his smiles were fake, it seems. For someone to force smiles for so long, it must take a toll, must it not, Joplin?

Yes, it must. He said something else too, before he left. About a friend of his who might one day smile again. Do you remember what he said, Spring-Heeled Joplin?

It was along these lines, I think:

 

_ “If the people here can smile after losing everything, I know I’ll be able to see you smile again, Huey.” _

 

...or something like that, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> we obviously have no idea what Huey is up to post-2003, assuming nothing happens to him, but the guy is fuckin emo so we can assume he's probably still being Miserable  
> Gitarin and Elmer are Words With Friends buddies. This is esp fun because I hc Elmer as dyslexic.


End file.
